Cambodia in like 2 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm leaving for Chicago in 2 days and flying to Cambodia in 3 crazy exciting, and maybe a little freaky. But I'm ready for it. I just need my head to be ready too. I feel like there are a million things on my mind and enormous amounts of things I need to do or want to do before I leave. In some ways I almost feel like break has escaped me and Cambodia can't be just days around the corner. While I didn't do a lot of things things I had hoped to, I was able to do something that mattered. I learned what it truly means to be a friend even during the rough times. It's about laughter and tears, emotional roller coasters and heartfelt prayers, conversations of a wide randge of topics, late night adventures, and lots of hugs. So while I am beyond excited to see how God shapes my heart as well as the rest of the group, and to see how he uses us there. I'm really just waiting for my head (or my thoughts) to join my heart...

Several nights ago I was blessed to have the opportunity to say goodbye to an incredible, absolutely amazing man. This man happened to be the father of my best friend and a role model for me. His faith was so strong and he lived it day in and day out. He loved Jesus, and his family, and serving others. I know that I'm a better person today because I knew him, learned from him, and had my faith challenged and strengthened through him. He went home to be with Jesus the very next night and it's almost a bittersweet goodbye. His pain and suffering are over and he is rejoicing up in heaven where we'll see him again someday. :D

BECAUSE I KNEW YOU, I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD...

PRAY...

...for hope

...for healing

...for comfort

...for strenght

...for a win in a losing battle

PRAY...

...for a miracle.

EVERYTHING'S CHANGING

I always knew I loved Mondays...

I hate days where you walk in the door only to hear news you weren't expecting...

For starters, is it really necessary to lead with, "There's been an accident..." I think not! I guess it went down more along the lines of -brad has been in an accident. And then my dad followed with but he's okay. Which instantly makes everything better. Or it's supposed to somehow.

Anyways, I guess my sister's boyfriend was riding horses (he's kinda a cowboy) and he got bucked off, landed on his head or something along those lines. (The story is a little inclear to my currently cuz my sis didn't even really know all the details when she called the rents) So he landed himself in the hospital with a little head trauma. No bleeding or brusing (Praise!) but his short term memory is gone. No clue as to what day it is, who's running for president, or even the fact that he and my sis are dating... The good news is, the doctors are pretty sure it will return, it's just a matter of when. So basically I'm asking for a little prayer that things will be okay, and that his memory will come back.

You complete me.

Where in the world would we be today without Jerry Maguire?

We started a new series at church this morning about sexuality. Not exactley a topic that most people want to tackle but it's good so far. Kind reminded me of what I've read (skimmed) in the book Sex God. Anyway, one of the things that Dave said this morning stuck with me. The idea of solemate vs. soulmate.

Our generation today seems to embrace this idea that there is one person out that that is made for us, and we're made for them. Together we "complete" one another and we will be great. We search for our soulmate, and when we find him or her we jump right in. We mistake a flood of emotions for a sign that we've meet our match. (The problem is, a lot of us find our 'soulmate' at like age 17) And then several years later we start to realize that we really don't know this person, things just aren't clicking anymore, and so on. Clearly they weren't our soulmate so end that relationship/marriage and set out to find the real one. It doesn't matter how many attempts we make as long as we find our soul mate in the end.

Now, last time I checked the Bible didn't say another about one person being made just for us. We have to use wisdom and good judgment, and not wait for destiny to step in. Maybe, just maybe we should follow are more biblical pattern and pursue a sole mate. Meaning, a mate that walks with us and together we follow God. Together we seek God, and we love one another, forever. Love isn't just an emotion; it's a commitment and it's a policy that we must choose to keep.

Consider this.

One of my favorite quotes comes from the book To Kill A Mockingbird. In the story Atticus tells his daughter Scout that “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

It's so easy for us to pass judgement about someone. Offer advice or give imput to a situation that we know little about. Or to complain about something that seems like the end of the world to us, but means little to someone else. I continually find myself giving advice to people about things that they are dealing with, or judging someone for no real reason at all. The thing is, it's not okay. It's not okay at all. Everyone has a story, and if I don't know it then I can't comment on it. Who am I to say when things aren't okay, or to form thoughts and pass judgements when I don't know the situation or circumstance.

It's about taking the time to stop, take a step back, and make an honest attempt to consider things from someone else's point of view.

I walked a minute in your shoes, they never would have fit.

One word to describe ______

-My semester- INSANE

I've had at least 2 exams everyweek, but as of late it's like 2 a day.

-My job(s)- STRESSFUL

The transition of new office, and new computer programs isn't really working out. Plus my other office is just crazy all the time. Even working in the lab is getting stressful because of the schedule and conflicts.

-My friends- MISSED

I would like to see people again sometime... maybe... just throwing it out there.

-My room- CHAOS

I'm in the on going process of moving... so currently I live out of two rooms, which has it's perks. (old bedroom turned walk in closet.

-My spiritual life- KICKIN

I'm finally at a point where I feel like things are exactly where they should be, and they just keep getting better.

Dude, in like 2 months I'll be in Cambodia.

Just thought I'd share that fun fact.
I'm pumped!

Best Friend

I MISS YOU.

A LOT.

END OF STORY.

Peanut butter

A morning/afternoon outing to find the "perfect summer bridesmaid dress' on a Saturday in October turned out to be a bust. Although it was a very entertaining outing to be sure. I'm suprised that we didn't get asked to leave the store because of our behavior. Even I thought that we were a little obnixous in our critiquing of the dress options we were shown. But the day as a whole wasn't a bust, it was saved with a little help from General Tso's chicken, hair dye, starbucks, and double-poofed hair.
I know that the bride is supposed to 'outshine' her bridal party on the big day, but seriously?!? Some of the things that they call bridesmaid dresses, it's just cruel.
-Did you know that dresses can have not only huge butt bows drawing attention to the rear, but they make ____ bows for the front half.
-Feathers, snow flake pins (excuse me, broaches) bows, flowers, tiers (creating a cake like effect) and various other things are used to create the most interesting designs.
-Tulle is your best friend if you want to ensure that the bridesmaids take up the whole dressing room, limo, aisle and so on.

Veils provide endless amounts of fun. Especially when there are whole rooms devoted to finding the perfect one. And they only cost like half of what your wedding dress does. I'm pretty sure I could make one that looks just as nice.

Happiness is having cancelled class. It's curling up with a mug of tea, a cozy blanket, and an EKG textbook...(yeah I know, not exactley my first pick either but it has to be read) It's finding a Chinese Laundry tote for $12.00, in place of the $80 s0mething they're asking for it. It's getting to use notes on the exam you didn't/couldn't possibly study enough for. It's fixing (fingers crossed) the leak in my radiator, so that my car stops over heating. Or maybe it's finally getting to talk to/see friends that I haven't seen for a long time.

This week has been and continues to be insane, but underneath all of the crazy is a series of days that continue to be pretty sweet...

:)

How to make friends with a police officer.

You probably shouldn't life up your dress when leaving a resturant. Even if there are leggings underneath your dress, and you're just trying to adjust it. And if the cop car across the parking lot looks empty...

I swear it's never a dull moment when we hang out! :D

I hate the smell of Vicks.

It's true, I find the smell of Vicks VapoRub very unappealing. Mainly because I associate it with being sick, but really because the menthol/eucalyptus kinda makes my eyes water. In the grand scheme of things however I've decided that there are worse things in life than my dislike of the slimy, grease like substance otherwise known as Vicks.
I seem to do some of my best thinking late at night when I should be sleeping. I realize that the previous statement is probably hard to believe because I too have read the things that I have posted in the wee hours of the night. :) Seriously though I have some pretty sweet conversations with God and I sort a lot of things out when I'm a little sleep deprived.
Earlier tonight it hit me that I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I'm a 'driven' person, meaning that I know where I'd like to be, and I know what I want to happen to get me there. It's just that I'm still here hanging out exactly where I started in the first place.
What's up with that?!?

I need to hit my brakes like a taxi that's just been hailed...

There's just something about the city that I love. It's busy, fast-paced, noisy, exciting, confusing, and a little overwhelming all in one. What's not to love?! Sometimes I feel like my speed is like that of a city. There's a lot going on, it involves many different things, and I'm always on the go. There's little time for errors, and I got caught up in the craziness all too quickly. I just spent a weekend in Chicago and it made me realize a number of things. Not only do I love city life, I could potentially live there. However, just visiting is kinda nice as well. It's so easy to get 'lost' in the chaos of everything going on around you. I pack my schedule full, and I mean very full, so that I've always got something going on, or somewhere that I need to be. And while I like that I'm busy, and I know that if I wasn't I'd go crazy. At the same time, I think that by keeping this up I'm going crazy.

I've developed quite the relationship with my car this week...

It has problems, and I've tried to fix them (with assistance from my dad, or rather input from him) but have had little luck. However, I'm now a pro at knowing what to do when your car overheats, popping the hood (it's broken so I kinda feel like my hand is getting swallowed while I attempt to find the latch and unhook it) climbing under the car to find leaks, figuring how to tell when it's okay to remove the cover of the radiator, or filling the antifreeze. oh, and telling the difference between antifreeze that is leaking or just water. I've decided that these are all pretty handy skills to have. Especially since my car seemed to overheat everyday...

I should probably tell you some helpful things that I learned because of this.
-they really mean it when they say "Caution: HOT! or contents under pressure... Your engine kinda takes forever to cool down.
-It's impossible to tell that antifreeze is green or blue after it has been chillin on the ground for awhile.
-Looking at the underside of your car is not pleasant. Especially if you look at the grill (I've never seen so many dead bug parts in my life.
-The whole grease smeared on your face thing... not really sure how it happens but its very attractive.

Might as well be strangers...

I feel like somewhere between here and there I forgot what it means to be a friend. So just work with me while I figure it all out again.

You say DRIVEN like it's a bad thing.

Is there such a thing as being too driven? Just kidding... I think I knew the answer to that question before I typed it. Perhaps it is better stated 'Am I too driven?' During a recent conversation (okay, a number of recent conversations) I was asked this question. And/or I was told that I come across as a driven person. At first I didn't think much of it. But the more I thought about it, the more I questioned it. Sometimes I think being driven and knowing what you want/where you're going is a good thing. But other times it doesn't seem that way. Maybe, just maybe it hurts you more than it helps you...

This basically sums up my week.

Short shorts, freshman, long days, and falling out of chairs. Memories, nicknames, odd jobs, awkward stares. Coffee dates, expensive books, taco bell, and paper cuts. Text messages, hellogoodbye, and laughing til I could cry. A social life, or lack there of, and just maybe a not so secret crush. Favorite friends, Tennesse (the song, not the state), football games, and junior high lipgloss. Bridgett Jones, futons, clearence racks, liquid eyeliner, and speed dating.

Any questions??

I never had all the answers
I never had enough time
But I sure had all the reasons
Why you weren't what I wanted to find
I never laid all my cards out
You just wanted to play
The king he waited on my doorstep
While the joker and me went on our way
Maybe I was much to selfish
but you're still on my mind.

Not a fan...

Not a fan of Hurricanes, not a fan at all...

Being from Michigan I put little thought into hurricane's. Sure I hear about them forming, where they're expected to hit and so on. And I say a prayer for people living there but that's it. Out of sight, out of mind. While not this time. Unless you live under a rock, chances are you've heard about Hurricane Gustav this week. It's like the second biggest Hurricane of the 08 season. Currently it's a category 4 storm and it's supposed to hit Louisiana, and hit it hard. I again would normally not think a whole lot about this, however my sister is currently there. Along with her boyfriend, his family, thier home, and their farm and cattle. And while we all go on doing whatever we want, life for them as well as the rest of their town and the surrounding areas has changed. As of 12:30 tomorrow afternoon there are being evacuated from their homes because where they live is going to take a direct hit. Chances are they along with lots of other people that live there are going to lose everything. Their house took a hit during Hurricane Katrina and it's very unlikely that the house can withstand another storm. It's so crazy because I want so badly to be there to help them out somehow but I'm here and they are there. Plus they aren't really letting people fly there at the moment since they are trying to get everyone out of the storm. All I can do is pray, and ask that you will do the same.

I can't even begin to imagine leaving my home knowing that there is a chance that I might not see it again.

For someone who claims to be in-decisive, I've been making decisions like a pro...

In less that a weeks time I made changes to my schedule for the whole year, registered for extra classes at JCC, signed up for a cross cultural trip, and I even picked a paint color for my new room.

Schedule/classes- Upon learning that I have 4-5 classes to take for grad school that I wasn't planning on, I have had to re-vamp my schedule for the next 2 years. And now that I know what I'm doing I have some classes (religion/Core 200, 274/5, 300, and 400) to fit in somewhere. I'm now a student at 3 schools taking classes when/wherever I can fit them in. Spring Arbor gets me my degree and JCC and LCC get me my extra classes to finish in the next 1.5-2 years. Not that the idea of being a college student til I'm 25 doesn't appeal to me... But I'd kinda like to finish up undergrad soon so I can study Occupational Therapy.

Cross Cultural Trip- Fingers still kinda crosses on this one but as long as the registar's office approves it I'm all signed up and am starting to pay my bill for a trip to Cambodia :) So that I can eat rice in another country (according to my mother...)

Change is a good thing, but I do enjoy having a plan.

I have two more years of undergraduate school and I'll be completing them at (drumroll please...) Spring Arbor! After lots of praying, many a conversation with the rents, and a few other factors ($23,500 a yr tuition. no financial aid. and an overload of classes to finish my undergrad by next may) I have made my decision and I couldn't be happier. While a change of pace would have been nice, not to mention only 3.5 more years til I'd have my Masters in O.T. It just wasn't for me at this time. It's one of my top schools right now for Masters work. So for now the only big change is in my housing... I will not be moving back to school but instead down the hall as I am upgrading to a much BIGGER room. I decided that since I live a whopping 3.5 minutes from the school why not save some money that I don't have and commute. (While that and I kinda sorta need/must HAVE my own kitchen due to crazy foods that I can/can't eat.) Because of this new room I will be living in I now have a large amount of hangout space so people are going to need to come and visit me.

I'll give you something to talk about...

The "beauty" of living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, chances are someone else does. And they are/will be more than willing to share that information...

The things that we say are really a powerful thing. They can be used to build up, to encourage, to comfort, to hurt, to confuse :) or even to tear down. While this is something that I've know since I was like 5, I've continued to realize it/be reminded of it more and more as I've gotten older. I think that sometimes I forget what an impact conversation can have. As quickly as I seem to forget it, I'm reminded. {Insert my week here}

Mistakes we knew we were making...

I am continually reminding that I'm only human, I can't do things on my own, and that things don't always go the way we'd like them to.

I've been going about this all wrong. Instead of seeking God in the past few weeks, I've been seeking an answer or rather answers. In some ways it's like I'm trying to find a purpose. I know what I'd like to do, where I like to go, and who I'd like to be. I just don't know why. I do know that I've missed the most important element and overlooked some other little things. Its like I'm looking for something to happen or for an answer to appear, but I'm only putting minimal effort into. My focus is misguided, because its's not about where, what, how, or when. It's about who is there quiding me and showing me my direction. Just one of those basic lessons that seems to find its way back to me quite often. But a little reminder isn't a bad thing, in fact I think its kinda nice and needed.

Snapshot

Just a few of the photos that I took yesterday for Tash and Chad. It was pretty fun even though we took almost 200 pictures... I think that these are my favorites :)

Welcome to the great outdoors...

-Not hardcore camping means just you and the campsite, no bathroom or shower area. It does however provide you with an amazing campsite with a beautiful view of the lake. Not to mention a great place for watching the sunrise/sunset and looking at the stars.




- Mosquitoes, night time, and trials in the woods are not your friend when you need to go to the bathroom. Just think of it as Cedar Bend all over again, minus the little make shift outhouse we got to use there.

- Bug spray works a lot like lighter fluid... it's flamable and the fire seems to greatly improve with its use. It also works as a tanning spray kinda deal. I don't recommend wearing it during the day while you're going to be in direct sunlight.

- Items like polo shirts, shampoo/conditioner, any product for your hair, princess water bottles, and sun block are not appreciated or needed on camping trips. They are "unnecessary" and happen to take up space that could be put to better use. (I still believe that sun block is needed, even if you're with someone that doesn't burn...)

-When camping at/near the beach you should probably know that there will be sand everywhere. And I'm not just talking about the ground. Think more along the lines of in your socks, shoes, sleeping bag, tent, cooler, water bottle, and pretty much your body as a whole.... You should also know that just because you're covered in sand/near the beach it does not keep the mosquitoes away so if someone tells you that it will hog the bug spray and apply heavily. They can find out just how well the sand works on their own. (If you choose to go along with them be prepared to be covered with more mosquito bites than you ever thought possible.)

-Totes is a word that can be used to answer most questions or statements. And it's catchy you'll find yourself saying it even though you swore you never would...

- If you forget your swimsuit at home, not a problem at all. Simply wear your bra and underwear to the beach. Yeah that's right undergarments are the latest swimwear trend. You should probably wear a very bright eye catching color on your top half and just got with your basic white granny style for bottoms. (I feel the need to let you know this was something I saw, not something that I did...) It seemed to have really great attention grabbing results though.

-

Adventures at the Grocery Store.

• It is absolutely impossible to go grocery shopping in this town and not run into someone that you know. Usually someone from work or church. But every once in awhile I find myself in one of those awkward, I wish you were anyone but the person that you are kind of run-ins.
  
• Distractions in aisle 13, not really a bad distraction either... I suppose you could say that I have made a "friend" during the 1-2 hours that I spend at Meijer every Saturday. I think its safe to say that I will never have trouble finding anything, if I ever decide that I need some assistance...
  
• I have been mistaken for a mom on 3 seperate occassions. But the latest and probably my all time favorite was by a lady who goes to my church. There was a little boy sitting in a cart unattended ( and he was adorable) and he was grabbing at stuff on the shelf next to him. I happened to be standing near the cart and the lady was like "excuse me miss, just thought you might want to know that your son is doing a little shopping of his own..." Umm okay thanks lady, too bad he's not my kid... Who knew that I looked old enough to be a mother. At least this kid was age appropriate. The first time it happened there were two little girls and they had to be at least 5 or 6 years old. Best part was there was no way they were twins because one was blonde and pale and then other had dark hair and skin.


• In the Health & beauty section there is a product that will "make mommy's skin look like she's a teenager again..." I had no idea that an age defying product such as this existed but bumped into a fellow shopper that did. Bare in mind this woman was probably only a few years older than I am and I thought that she looked just fine. But hey if you want to buy a bunch of "Miracle" creams and lotions that is totally up to you.
  
• If decision making is not one of your strenghts, grocery shopping is a bit of a challenge. You are supplied with aisles and aisles of options. Do you want the offbrand, the store brand, or the real thing. A small size, normal size, or the economy/bulk size. And so on.

I know there are more things than this. But for now this is all I can remember.

I'm looking at a chance that might be worth taking...

I'm staring at the contents of a white envelope full of pamphlets, forms, and a letter or two. These things make up the mail that that I have been waiting to recieve for several weeks now. Opening it took several minutes because I wasn't sure I was ready for it. But I've learned a lot lately about just doing what needs to be done so I tore the envelope open and smiled as I read. It's kinda crazy becasue just like that my direction changed. I've got a lot of praying to do, and a big decision to make in the weeks to come.
In the midst of this excitement, I took a step back and decided that it was time to do something that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime- Have a much needed, and long overdue conversation in an attempt to learn and let go/move foward. Just another step in my doing what needs to be done lesson. It's so easy to hang onto things and drag them out but it doesn't help. If anything it makes situations more complicated or weird. I've decided however that these lessons that I've learned in the last few weeks and then conversations that I've had with God and other close friends were exactly what was needed. And as it turns out exactly what I wanted. Who knew that the two were the same. :)
I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, its a feeling of peace and of happiness. Because I'm slowly getting the directions that I need as I listen more to God and depend more on him and less on myself. Things probably couldn't be any better than they are right now...

You are the light

That's leading me to the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the light to my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this

So I'm gonna start things over, beginning with you and I.

Direction- Just might have come to me in a large white envelope today...

Closure- Thought I wanted it, but I didn't need it.

Definition- Needed it, found it, couldn't be more at peace with things.

Change- Even though I can't see it, I can feel it.

Distraction- I found it in aisle 4 at Meijer wearing a red shirt.



And so on... I'm pretty sure I could continue to type words and write about them. But I won't. Today was one of those days where I couldn't be happier with the way things played out. In the last few weeks I have had many 100% honest / straight foward this is what is going on in my head talks with God. And I've learned a lot from those talks, not to mention the conversations I've had with several friends. Everything seems to come full circle.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Random blog lists/entries, wearing my rain boots, voicemails, and distractions at Meijer :)

Laughing til I want to cry, dying my hair, as well as driving with the music up and the windows down.

Painting my nails, making lists, pearl earrings, old school movies, Organic stuff, and tanning.

Online shopping, rearranging my room, roadtrips, music, the tri-fold, vacation, and hour long conversations with God.

Whole Foods Market, vintaging, awkward situations, plus a little organized chaos.

Getting mail, Burberry Summer, late night trips to Taco Bell, pointless text message conversations, and who could forget smiling?!

Anatomy class, noteable quoteables, PostSecret.Com, not to mention chapstick.

Gut-wrenching honesty, randomness, innocent flirting, theatre, playing scrabble, and city life.

Getting dressed up for no reason at all, costume jewelry, and the clearence rack.

Nicknames, sunshine, art, starry nights, and memories.

Mistakes we knew we were making, my family, life lessons, and working overtime.

High heels, color coordination, accessories, swimming, playing tennis, and running.

Random playlists, late night phone calls, clean laundry, quiet times, and monthly girls nights.

Little kids, making a difference, dreaming big, letting go, saying sorry, and cuddling.

It's not so much what I want, it's what I need...

Definition

Just like that, one word. It looks so simple, and it seems easy enough to achieve. It just doesn't feel like it. I've been thinking about all the "maybe's" and the "what if's" and what I want... but it isn't about any of that. I could sit here all day and think about things, I could over-analyze until I'm content but its not what I need. No maybe's. No what ifs, ands, or buts. No I wants. No talking myself out of this or that. No walking away. No pushing. No over-it's. Just a simple definition of what this is and then letting whatever happens, happen.

I've got a lot to say to you....

So I'm gonna start things over tonight, beginning with you and I...

I'm walking in uncharted territory, and while I feel like I should be freaked out, I'm not... If anything I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I guess you could call my last couple weeks a series of breakthroughs. I've had all of these things on my mind and I ignored most of them for awhile. Ok I tried to ignore them for awhile but it didn't get me anywhere. It just took some distance and me actually sitting down and thinking about things and discussing it with the people I trust the most to make sense of things. Which turned into all of my breakthroughs and the change that follows them. So now I just have a lot to say instead of a lot on my mind. Its just finding time to say it all.

I've never felt this close in my walk with Christ. And it's a feeling that I am easily getting used to. And I've never been this close to knowing that its okay to let go of some of the things that I hold onto so tightly. I've said goodbye to thoughts, fears, "relationships" distractions, a friend, and soon I'll be able to add a conversation into the mix.

My mailbox is empty...

I keep waiting for something to appear in my mailbox. A sign or rather an answer for me that is long over due. I have prayed for direction for months and while I got nudges in the right direction that flashing neon sign saying this is the thing to do/the way to go never showed up. (Not that I was really expecting it to.) I was so back and forth with my plans for next year. Some even suggested that I create a blog about it just so they could keep up... :) But I don't know and I've given up control of this issue so really my back and forth is just what I'm feeling that day. (I like being close to home- I'm staying. I need out of this town-I'm leaving and so on) One of my nudges was to go ahead and mail out an application for transferring in the fall. I prayed about it and prayed about it and it felt right. In giving up my control of it I prayed that if it was something to think about more seriously than all of my joking (just to see how you'll react) and my back and forth-ness that I would get an acceptance letter. If not than I would let it go and get a solid NO. Either way I will be happy in the end. I am at peace with it and I'm learning to have patience as I wait for something in my mailbox.

I'm searching for that one word...

One way or another,whatever the outcome is I'm ready for this to all be over...

Cuz I'm standing here and you're miles away...

I am....
Smiling cuz it's my favorite. Missing how things were. Tired cuz I can be. Sore from lifting. Stressed due to the lack of order in my room. Happy around you. Excited for the weekend. Only fooling myself. Glad its finally summer. Covered with papercuts from filing at work. Saying a little prayer. Loving life. Learning to say what I need to say. Not afraid anymore. Needing routine, like NOW. Stuck in a rut. In like (and not sure how I feel about it...)Trusting God. Enjoying the sunshine. Shy when I shouldn't be. Waiting for some guidance. Lucky to be standing where I am. Kindly unspoken. Praying for direction. Trying to have patience. Confusing from time to time. Becoming a stranger to myself. Wanting to go camping. Going back to the start. Looking forward to this summer. Thankful for the people around me. Working on getting it right. Ready for more change. Getting lost tonight. Letting go of control. . Happier than I've been in a long time.

I'm too random for my own good sometimes. But basically I couldn't decide what to write about so it's kinda all just morphed into one random entry... It didn't really go as planned but lately most things don't so no big deal.

Playing hide and seek without hiding.

It's summertime! Doesn't really feel like it weather wise but there are boxes covering my floor, there's a new setup in my room, and I've had my first bonfire of the season. So basically all is right in my world now, or something like that. I have been looking forward to summer since spring semester started, and now it's here and I don't know quite what to make of it. I've said goodbye to some amazing friends, packed up way more stuff than any one person should own, and I've gotten to see the amazing friends that have said their own goodbyes and are now home.
It's so weird living in the same town that you go to school in. To some extent it doesn't really feel like summer or break because I'm still right here, the scenery hasn't changed much just the people have. So basically the only difference is that I'm living at home all the time now instead of a couple hours a day and a night or two a week (I spent way more time home than I have ever done in a semester) and that for the next few weeks I am free of classes. :) It's a good break in that sense.
This semester kicked my butt, between the course work, being sick a lot, stuff at home, and a appointment like every couple days I was all over the place. And somehow I still managed to pull off pretty decent grades. I think I even found a little of that change that I was looking for in Feburary.

Only problem is I don't know where to go from here. I don't really have any plans just a lot of unanswered questions, some what if's, and a couple different possibilities but I don't know what to do with any of it. Any attempts that I have made to sort it all out have failed. So I'm letting it go,but not in the sense that I'm quitting. I've learned a lot in recent months and it's time for me to act on it. I'm done hiding, and doing my own thing. I'm seeking and letting go of everything that I hold onto. I've thought a lot about what comes next and where I go from here. And I still don't have an answer. I just know that everything is going to be fine however it plays out.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart. Then I will be found my you." -Jeremiah 29:11-14

Cleaning out my closet and learning lessons from blocks of wood

When I was younger I used to go to camp for a week every summer. One year we were sent home with a block of wood that had words written on each side of it. PRAY-TAKE ACTION-LISTEN-COMMIT. Each word was a theme during the week, but that's really not important now. I had entirely forgotten about that summer at camp and the block of wood, until last night. I was cleaning out my closet when I found it commitment side up. :) Yeah that's right out of the four sides it could have been flipped to the word commit was there in big bold letters. Perhaps there's a reason I uncovered the block of wood in my closet.
In the past I've been a little afraid of commitment when it comes to relationships. I have a hard time letting people in past a certain point and once they are there all I want to do is push them out. No real reason that I do it, just not a fan of that whole vulnerability thing. Well that and up until now it wasn't the right timing (yep, I played that card!) I've tried to do the relationship thing on several different occasions and while they all got somewhere, they really went nowhere. Because I ignored the one relationship that I truely needed to commit to. Combine a girl that doesn't want to be vulnerable with a girl not sure where she's going/who she is. Then throw in a girl who's not on the right track with God and you've got yourself a commitaphobe. Not exactly the idea combination but I made it work for awhile. And over the past year it began to work less and less. So I was scrambling and making parts of it work. All the while I began to realize who I was and where I was going with a lot of help from God. It took a year or two of being something that I wasn't and a couple failed attempts at commitment to realize that I had one relationship to focus on. And focus on it I did.
So now I sit typing alway and staring down at the block of wood. Which suddenly seems to serve as a little reminder of where I was and where I now stand. As well as whats to come.

No giving up now

I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready.... but something just doesn't seem quite right...

Bitter-sweet symphony....

I'm currently sitting on my bed, because that seems to be the only area of my room not cluttered with boxes and bags of a year's worth of crap ready to be packed up. As I look at everything in front of me, and think about what it represents, I can't help but think it's bitter sweet. The semester is over, another year of college is finished, and the summer of 08 is waiting to begin. I am ready to be done with this semester, to get away, clear my head, and figure things out. But I've also become quite comfortable with this routine that I have created and I'm not ready to let it go of it. Or of the relationships that have been formed, repaired, or expanded upon. Everything is different when you go home. And while I'm excited to move home (a whole 5 minutes down the road), I'm not quite ready for it. The end of the year becomes this bitter-sweet symphony because it's full of up's and down's, beginning's and end's, goodbye's and welcome home's and a brand new routine.

Honesty will reach out from inside you, and tatoo itself all over your face....

So I'm kind of a journal-aholic. I have a journal for everything- one for quotes, one for prayers, another the reads more like a diary or a breakdown of my day, and one for the things that don't fit anywhere else. And these journals date back for several years. Every so often I find myself going back to these journals and reading what I wrote, seeing where I was, and looking ahead to where I am now. I happened to stumble across an entry that was written 2 years ago. It was about honesty so I decided to re-read it. "Honesty will reach out from inside you, and tatoo itself all over your face..." I read over that quote several times, it's strange but it stuck with me. It somehow fit with what I was going through then, and it fits with me now. There are so many things that I want to say but for various reasons I don't. Somehow they still seem to be said and if you pay close enough attention you'll pick up on them.

putting things into perspective

I'll be the first one to tell you that I am all to often the person that speaks and then immediately feels the need to "insert foot in mouth now..." I don't always think about things before I say them and before I never really put much thought into this being a problem. I guess in recent weeks I've paided closer attention to what I say and how it will affect people.

The other day I was in line to get a drink and the girl next to me ordered a diet pepsi. No big deal right, and normally I wouldn't have given it a second thought. The guy behind the counter however caught my attention when he handed her the drink and said "here ya go, here's your cancer in a cup." I of course had to tell him that I didn't find it very funny after he started laughing at his own "joke." And then a couple hours later someone else on campus goes, "oh yeah well your mom has cancer..." And I was like yeah actually she does. Kinda a conversation stopper right there. Maybe I'm just more sensitive about stuff like this right now. But it really has made me stop and think about what I say and how it can affect someone sitting within ear shot. Words are a pretty powerful thing, they can build someone up or they can break someone apart. It just might do us all good to stop, think, and then speak.

Matters of the heart make us vulnerable. They allow us to experience hurt but at the same time they allow us to truly live...

It's like the song Cold by Crossfade..." I never really wanted you to see the screwed side of me that i keep locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me..." I do an amazing job at wearing a mask (or using my super sweet facial expressions to undermine what I'm really saying.) I am not a big fan of vulnerability or trusting people because opening up to them can lead to hurt. Or maybe it's that I tell them what's really going on and they are like wow, what was i thinking. I think I am afraid of people thinking i'm inadaquate, but i learned that sharing your innermost thoughts, your fears, your flaws and your secrets well you'd be suprised. You have more company in them than you thought. By not sharing you truely only hurting yourself because you just keep it all in and eventually it gets to you. When you have the courage to share with someone it can give them the courage they need to speak the thoughts that they hide. The more that I open up to people or take the time to listen to someone else I am amazed by the similarites of the things that are being shared. My friends are I are a lot more alike than I ever realized.

Anyways all that to say, I have had something on my mind for weeks and finally tonight God and I were talking and he was like ok Chels, it's time... time to open up, and time to let it go. It's time for me to take a deep breathe, remove my mask and be honest with myself and with others. There has been a lot on my mind this semester from stupid things like what was just said in a text conversation to what Doctor I get to go see. Or things of a more serious nature like my mom's chemo treatments or my inability to make up my mind and everything in between. I have a really hard time being 100% open about things because I'm scared to let go, to give up control, to lose, or to change the way things are. I don't tell the whole story because well that makes me vulnerable or it makes me give up contol of whatever I'm dealing with. Trusting God with you're everything is truely one of the greatest things you can do. And I think until now I'd lost sight of that.

lessons learned...

I was recently asked the other day what was the biggest/ most important lesson I've learned so far this year. After thinking about the question for several minutes I realized that the re isn't just one lesson that I've learned and to have to pick just one would be pretty close to impossible. I have been learning, growing a lot since the start of this school year but I doubt that I'd be where I am now if 2008 hadn't started the way that it did.





Lesson #1- It's okay to say what you're thinking or feeling, and to admit when something isn't okay in your book. You are allowed to not smile all the time, shrug everything off, and to not have to be chill all the time. The thing is you were given a very wide range of emotions so use them. Cry, scream, jump up and down, yell, question your assumptions, and you're even allowed to smile.


- This lesson happens to be compliments of my mother... and while it may seem like common sense to most of you, it is truely something that I have "struggled" with. I have never really been much of a cryer, I am usually very chill, it takes A LOT for me to get mad, so I usually just sit back and take things in stride. I just go with it, I may not always like the situation but it's my way of dealing with it. Or rather running from it.





Lesson #2- Prayer is a powerful thing and time spent with the big guy upstairs is time well spent. First you just have to make it a priority in your life.



-This is more of a continual reminder but it's still something that I feel I have learned this year. Its amazing how things in your life can change in almost the blink on an eye. The first 6 days of the new year are kinda just a blur for me, but what I do remember was that in those 6 days I learned that someone very near and dear to my heart was beginning their battle with cancer. Not exactly the way anyone wants to start off a new year but it has truely been a learning experience for me.

Lesson #3- You can't make something out of nothing.

-Have you ever thought about how much easier it would be/ it is to be in a relationship with the people closest to you or those that you hang out with the most are also in one. The problem with this way of thinking is that you attempt to make something out of basically nothing. What I mean by this is that you start to create feelings that really may not be there in the first place.

i'm fighting for that reason to stay where i am...

and whatever it is that you're doing, well it's really not helping....

It's an I miss you something fierce kinda day

What I need right now is for you to hold me tight and tell me that it's all gonna be ok.

Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. Or that I knew what was going to happen next. But I don't, so instead I just take a deep breath, relax, and smile because I know that you've got the answers, you know the next move, and you have everything under control.