putting things into perspective

I'll be the first one to tell you that I am all to often the person that speaks and then immediately feels the need to "insert foot in mouth now..." I don't always think about things before I say them and before I never really put much thought into this being a problem. I guess in recent weeks I've paided closer attention to what I say and how it will affect people.

The other day I was in line to get a drink and the girl next to me ordered a diet pepsi. No big deal right, and normally I wouldn't have given it a second thought. The guy behind the counter however caught my attention when he handed her the drink and said "here ya go, here's your cancer in a cup." I of course had to tell him that I didn't find it very funny after he started laughing at his own "joke." And then a couple hours later someone else on campus goes, "oh yeah well your mom has cancer..." And I was like yeah actually she does. Kinda a conversation stopper right there. Maybe I'm just more sensitive about stuff like this right now. But it really has made me stop and think about what I say and how it can affect someone sitting within ear shot. Words are a pretty powerful thing, they can build someone up or they can break someone apart. It just might do us all good to stop, think, and then speak.

Matters of the heart make us vulnerable. They allow us to experience hurt but at the same time they allow us to truly live...

It's like the song Cold by Crossfade..." I never really wanted you to see the screwed side of me that i keep locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me..." I do an amazing job at wearing a mask (or using my super sweet facial expressions to undermine what I'm really saying.) I am not a big fan of vulnerability or trusting people because opening up to them can lead to hurt. Or maybe it's that I tell them what's really going on and they are like wow, what was i thinking. I think I am afraid of people thinking i'm inadaquate, but i learned that sharing your innermost thoughts, your fears, your flaws and your secrets well you'd be suprised. You have more company in them than you thought. By not sharing you truely only hurting yourself because you just keep it all in and eventually it gets to you. When you have the courage to share with someone it can give them the courage they need to speak the thoughts that they hide. The more that I open up to people or take the time to listen to someone else I am amazed by the similarites of the things that are being shared. My friends are I are a lot more alike than I ever realized.

Anyways all that to say, I have had something on my mind for weeks and finally tonight God and I were talking and he was like ok Chels, it's time... time to open up, and time to let it go. It's time for me to take a deep breathe, remove my mask and be honest with myself and with others. There has been a lot on my mind this semester from stupid things like what was just said in a text conversation to what Doctor I get to go see. Or things of a more serious nature like my mom's chemo treatments or my inability to make up my mind and everything in between. I have a really hard time being 100% open about things because I'm scared to let go, to give up control, to lose, or to change the way things are. I don't tell the whole story because well that makes me vulnerable or it makes me give up contol of whatever I'm dealing with. Trusting God with you're everything is truely one of the greatest things you can do. And I think until now I'd lost sight of that.