putting things into perspective

I'll be the first one to tell you that I am all to often the person that speaks and then immediately feels the need to "insert foot in mouth now..." I don't always think about things before I say them and before I never really put much thought into this being a problem. I guess in recent weeks I've paided closer attention to what I say and how it will affect people.

The other day I was in line to get a drink and the girl next to me ordered a diet pepsi. No big deal right, and normally I wouldn't have given it a second thought. The guy behind the counter however caught my attention when he handed her the drink and said "here ya go, here's your cancer in a cup." I of course had to tell him that I didn't find it very funny after he started laughing at his own "joke." And then a couple hours later someone else on campus goes, "oh yeah well your mom has cancer..." And I was like yeah actually she does. Kinda a conversation stopper right there. Maybe I'm just more sensitive about stuff like this right now. But it really has made me stop and think about what I say and how it can affect someone sitting within ear shot. Words are a pretty powerful thing, they can build someone up or they can break someone apart. It just might do us all good to stop, think, and then speak.

Matters of the heart make us vulnerable. They allow us to experience hurt but at the same time they allow us to truly live...

It's like the song Cold by Crossfade..." I never really wanted you to see the screwed side of me that i keep locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me..." I do an amazing job at wearing a mask (or using my super sweet facial expressions to undermine what I'm really saying.) I am not a big fan of vulnerability or trusting people because opening up to them can lead to hurt. Or maybe it's that I tell them what's really going on and they are like wow, what was i thinking. I think I am afraid of people thinking i'm inadaquate, but i learned that sharing your innermost thoughts, your fears, your flaws and your secrets well you'd be suprised. You have more company in them than you thought. By not sharing you truely only hurting yourself because you just keep it all in and eventually it gets to you. When you have the courage to share with someone it can give them the courage they need to speak the thoughts that they hide. The more that I open up to people or take the time to listen to someone else I am amazed by the similarites of the things that are being shared. My friends are I are a lot more alike than I ever realized.

Anyways all that to say, I have had something on my mind for weeks and finally tonight God and I were talking and he was like ok Chels, it's time... time to open up, and time to let it go. It's time for me to take a deep breathe, remove my mask and be honest with myself and with others. There has been a lot on my mind this semester from stupid things like what was just said in a text conversation to what Doctor I get to go see. Or things of a more serious nature like my mom's chemo treatments or my inability to make up my mind and everything in between. I have a really hard time being 100% open about things because I'm scared to let go, to give up control, to lose, or to change the way things are. I don't tell the whole story because well that makes me vulnerable or it makes me give up contol of whatever I'm dealing with. Trusting God with you're everything is truely one of the greatest things you can do. And I think until now I'd lost sight of that.

lessons learned...

I was recently asked the other day what was the biggest/ most important lesson I've learned so far this year. After thinking about the question for several minutes I realized that the re isn't just one lesson that I've learned and to have to pick just one would be pretty close to impossible. I have been learning, growing a lot since the start of this school year but I doubt that I'd be where I am now if 2008 hadn't started the way that it did.





Lesson #1- It's okay to say what you're thinking or feeling, and to admit when something isn't okay in your book. You are allowed to not smile all the time, shrug everything off, and to not have to be chill all the time. The thing is you were given a very wide range of emotions so use them. Cry, scream, jump up and down, yell, question your assumptions, and you're even allowed to smile.


- This lesson happens to be compliments of my mother... and while it may seem like common sense to most of you, it is truely something that I have "struggled" with. I have never really been much of a cryer, I am usually very chill, it takes A LOT for me to get mad, so I usually just sit back and take things in stride. I just go with it, I may not always like the situation but it's my way of dealing with it. Or rather running from it.





Lesson #2- Prayer is a powerful thing and time spent with the big guy upstairs is time well spent. First you just have to make it a priority in your life.



-This is more of a continual reminder but it's still something that I feel I have learned this year. Its amazing how things in your life can change in almost the blink on an eye. The first 6 days of the new year are kinda just a blur for me, but what I do remember was that in those 6 days I learned that someone very near and dear to my heart was beginning their battle with cancer. Not exactly the way anyone wants to start off a new year but it has truely been a learning experience for me.

Lesson #3- You can't make something out of nothing.

-Have you ever thought about how much easier it would be/ it is to be in a relationship with the people closest to you or those that you hang out with the most are also in one. The problem with this way of thinking is that you attempt to make something out of basically nothing. What I mean by this is that you start to create feelings that really may not be there in the first place.

i'm fighting for that reason to stay where i am...

and whatever it is that you're doing, well it's really not helping....

It's an I miss you something fierce kinda day

What I need right now is for you to hold me tight and tell me that it's all gonna be ok.

Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. Or that I knew what was going to happen next. But I don't, so instead I just take a deep breath, relax, and smile because I know that you've got the answers, you know the next move, and you have everything under control.

My eyes may be open, but that doesn't mean I can see

Maybe I should slow down and take a moment or two to actually see what is going on around me.

I feel like sometimes I get so caught up in nothing that I miss out on everything. If that makes sense. I'm just going thru the motions of everyday not allowing myslef time to think or time to feel anything.

"Even though my eyes are open, I'm not really seeing anything at all..."

all for the sake of adventure

Awhile back I had a conversation with a friend about why girls seem to be more attracted to the "bad boy" image. After putting more thought into the matter I decided that most women at one point or another seek out a "bad boy" relationship (fling). The only thing that I can really come up with is that the who bad boy image is more appealing because we associate it with adventure, spontanity, and a little danger. In the book Undressed: The Naked truth About Love, Sex, and Dating the author states that - "Bad boys are dangerous and adventurous. They don't set out to be nice. They break rules, ignore traditions, stir up chaos, and live life on the edge. They are rebels who are tough, unbound, and free..." So many books about dating say things like girls are waiting to be rescued, they just need to know they're worth fighthing for, etc. And guys are supposed to be that knight that comes galloping in on a horse to the rescue. But what most of them fail to say is that girls want to be in on the adventure. So it's only in our nature to seek out people who seem adventurous.

More to come on this later.....