I'm looking at a chance that might be worth taking...

I'm staring at the contents of a white envelope full of pamphlets, forms, and a letter or two. These things make up the mail that that I have been waiting to recieve for several weeks now. Opening it took several minutes because I wasn't sure I was ready for it. But I've learned a lot lately about just doing what needs to be done so I tore the envelope open and smiled as I read. It's kinda crazy becasue just like that my direction changed. I've got a lot of praying to do, and a big decision to make in the weeks to come.
In the midst of this excitement, I took a step back and decided that it was time to do something that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime- Have a much needed, and long overdue conversation in an attempt to learn and let go/move foward. Just another step in my doing what needs to be done lesson. It's so easy to hang onto things and drag them out but it doesn't help. If anything it makes situations more complicated or weird. I've decided however that these lessons that I've learned in the last few weeks and then conversations that I've had with God and other close friends were exactly what was needed. And as it turns out exactly what I wanted. Who knew that the two were the same. :)
I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, its a feeling of peace and of happiness. Because I'm slowly getting the directions that I need as I listen more to God and depend more on him and less on myself. Things probably couldn't be any better than they are right now...

You are the light

That's leading me to the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the light to my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this

So I'm gonna start things over, beginning with you and I.

Direction- Just might have come to me in a large white envelope today...

Closure- Thought I wanted it, but I didn't need it.

Definition- Needed it, found it, couldn't be more at peace with things.

Change- Even though I can't see it, I can feel it.

Distraction- I found it in aisle 4 at Meijer wearing a red shirt.



And so on... I'm pretty sure I could continue to type words and write about them. But I won't. Today was one of those days where I couldn't be happier with the way things played out. In the last few weeks I have had many 100% honest / straight foward this is what is going on in my head talks with God. And I've learned a lot from those talks, not to mention the conversations I've had with several friends. Everything seems to come full circle.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Random blog lists/entries, wearing my rain boots, voicemails, and distractions at Meijer :)

Laughing til I want to cry, dying my hair, as well as driving with the music up and the windows down.

Painting my nails, making lists, pearl earrings, old school movies, Organic stuff, and tanning.

Online shopping, rearranging my room, roadtrips, music, the tri-fold, vacation, and hour long conversations with God.

Whole Foods Market, vintaging, awkward situations, plus a little organized chaos.

Getting mail, Burberry Summer, late night trips to Taco Bell, pointless text message conversations, and who could forget smiling?!

Anatomy class, noteable quoteables, PostSecret.Com, not to mention chapstick.

Gut-wrenching honesty, randomness, innocent flirting, theatre, playing scrabble, and city life.

Getting dressed up for no reason at all, costume jewelry, and the clearence rack.

Nicknames, sunshine, art, starry nights, and memories.

Mistakes we knew we were making, my family, life lessons, and working overtime.

High heels, color coordination, accessories, swimming, playing tennis, and running.

Random playlists, late night phone calls, clean laundry, quiet times, and monthly girls nights.

Little kids, making a difference, dreaming big, letting go, saying sorry, and cuddling.

It's not so much what I want, it's what I need...

Definition

Just like that, one word. It looks so simple, and it seems easy enough to achieve. It just doesn't feel like it. I've been thinking about all the "maybe's" and the "what if's" and what I want... but it isn't about any of that. I could sit here all day and think about things, I could over-analyze until I'm content but its not what I need. No maybe's. No what ifs, ands, or buts. No I wants. No talking myself out of this or that. No walking away. No pushing. No over-it's. Just a simple definition of what this is and then letting whatever happens, happen.

I've got a lot to say to you....

So I'm gonna start things over tonight, beginning with you and I...

I'm walking in uncharted territory, and while I feel like I should be freaked out, I'm not... If anything I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I guess you could call my last couple weeks a series of breakthroughs. I've had all of these things on my mind and I ignored most of them for awhile. Ok I tried to ignore them for awhile but it didn't get me anywhere. It just took some distance and me actually sitting down and thinking about things and discussing it with the people I trust the most to make sense of things. Which turned into all of my breakthroughs and the change that follows them. So now I just have a lot to say instead of a lot on my mind. Its just finding time to say it all.

I've never felt this close in my walk with Christ. And it's a feeling that I am easily getting used to. And I've never been this close to knowing that its okay to let go of some of the things that I hold onto so tightly. I've said goodbye to thoughts, fears, "relationships" distractions, a friend, and soon I'll be able to add a conversation into the mix.

My mailbox is empty...

I keep waiting for something to appear in my mailbox. A sign or rather an answer for me that is long over due. I have prayed for direction for months and while I got nudges in the right direction that flashing neon sign saying this is the thing to do/the way to go never showed up. (Not that I was really expecting it to.) I was so back and forth with my plans for next year. Some even suggested that I create a blog about it just so they could keep up... :) But I don't know and I've given up control of this issue so really my back and forth is just what I'm feeling that day. (I like being close to home- I'm staying. I need out of this town-I'm leaving and so on) One of my nudges was to go ahead and mail out an application for transferring in the fall. I prayed about it and prayed about it and it felt right. In giving up my control of it I prayed that if it was something to think about more seriously than all of my joking (just to see how you'll react) and my back and forth-ness that I would get an acceptance letter. If not than I would let it go and get a solid NO. Either way I will be happy in the end. I am at peace with it and I'm learning to have patience as I wait for something in my mailbox.

I'm searching for that one word...

One way or another,whatever the outcome is I'm ready for this to all be over...